I put your name in my heart, and forever it will stay.

Dear Eliza,
I hope you know how often I think of you. How often I wish that things were different and you were here on earth with us. Sometimes, out of the blue, sometimes not, I just cry. It can come out of no where. Always when I am alone. My heart aches, terribly. I miss you so very much. I miss the memories that we won't ever have a chance to make.

I often lay in my bed and stare at the wall. This is my view.

Silhouettes of your sister and brother are on the left and when I look directly at the wall, I see you. What I have of you remains in that tiny box. 

Oh Eliza, I hope you are being rocked to sleep, and are snuggled and cuddled in heaven. 

I miss you so very much. You are constantly with me. In every thought I have, I feel your presence.

So much love to you my sweet baby.

-Mommy

(Also, soooo thankful for the support from my ECFE mommies who came together to get us the plaque for Eliza)

Valleyfair

So last weekend, we went to valleyfair thanks to Uncle Jordan who gave us season passes last Sept for the kids' birthdays. First time of the season and the kids LOVED it! Callen enjoyed this rollercoaster.

Meanwhile, sitting next to me... This girlie loves every single ride.

Giant swing ride.

Loving the plane ride. This was one of Callen's favorites.

Then Travis and Amara went on this bigger kid ride that Amara LOVED.

Callen was too short to go on this one, this is how he felt about that...

It was a really nice day and the lines were great. We walked on to almost every ride, or only had to wait a few minutes. Really nice to be able to go for a couple hours and know that we will be back soon. 

May

What have we been up to lately? Its mid-may and we finally have some nice weather. Amara and Callen have been LOVING it. We've been spending hours and hours outside.

Kids and dirt.

What are they looking at?  Shortly after this, water was added and they said it was a chocolate swamp. They got covered in head to toe in mud. And I just watched.  Who am I to take kids away from mud?

We've also been enjoying some sprinkler time!

All in all, the kids are loving the nice weather. It sure helps me too with the sun shining down, knowing our sweet girl above is always with us. 

It really is quite astonishing at how frequent Amara brings up Eliza. Amara is constantly telling me about how much Eliza is in her room with her, playing with her, just always with her. 

And while it is always music to my heart to have Amara thinking of her, it also always feels like a stab to my heart as well. It's a very complex feeling. 

We'll be getting into the car and Amara will say "Mom, make sure to buckle up Eliza". I tell her that Angels don't need to be buckled, they have wings and can't be hurt. 

*Stab to my heart, IWishICouldBuckleUpMyBabyInACarseat*

Or we will be eating dinner and when I sit down in a chair, Amara will say "Mom, Eliza is sitting there." So I tell her that Eliza can sit on my lap. 

*Stab to my heart, IWishMyBabyWasSittingHereAtTheDinnerTable*

Or we will be walking in a parking lot, and I tell Amara and Callen to hold my hand so they don't get hurt. Amara will say "Mom, I can hold Eliza's hand."

*Stab to my heart, IWishIWasPushingAStrollerSoYouCouldActuallyHoldHerHand*

Or I'll be putting Amara to bed and she will say "Mom, don't forget to say goodnight to Eliza."

*Stab to my heart, IWishICouldHugAndKissMyBabyGoodnight*

So I then say goodnight to my 2 girls, tell them both how much I love them. Only for 1, I look up to the sky, or ceiling, whatever. Dear baby girl, I hope you are being rocked to sleep with sweet lullabies and music up above. I hope you feel our love and feel nothing short of bliss.

It is so constant, SO very many times throughout the day. Every single time her name is mentioned, I feel both relieved that Eliza means so much, she is real. But it also hurts. So very very much.

Sometimes, missing her completely takes my breath away. Most always, when I am alone. I suddenly will feel all the air sucked out of my body and need to remind myself to take a few deep breaths. 

BUT we are okay. I am okay. 

We are living life, we're enjoying the weather. Amara has her last few weeks of preschool for the year coming up. Summer is coming up, there will be parks, picnics, summer camps, nights with bonfires, swimming and bike riding. We look forward to spending time with our friends, and embarking on lots of adventures and memory making. 

Mother's Day

It is Mother's Day.
I have very conflicting emotions today. I woke up today, went online and images of mothers and babies floded my screen. It is a joyous time to celebrate motherhood. There are poems and sayings about the amazingness of being a momma.
I want to be a Mom to Eliza. I want to kiss her and love her.

A Mom's job to meet the needs of her child. For Amara and Callen, this means giving them nutritious foods, opportunities to grow, learn and explore. Loving them, reading to them. Teaching them.

Eliza's needs were different. All she needed was for me to provide a safe haven while transitioned from this world to the next.

But as all mothers know, we can always do better. And while I have very few regrets about anything that we've done, I still wish I could have been stronger for her. I wish I could have embraced her while she was alive. But it was so much, and I was so broken.

I wish I could not just meet the basic needs of my children, I wish to excel at them and give them everything I have. They are, afterall, the beat of my heart.

Amara, Callen, Eliza.
ACE.

*Sigh*

The norm

The other night, Travis worked late. Me and the kids had the night to ourselves so we had a popcorn and book night. Amara went into her room and got all of her stuffed animals and blankets. Her and Callen sat on the main couch and she instructed me to sit on the other couch to read books to them. When I sat down there were a few stuffed animals that I set aside so I could sit down. She immediately scolded me because those particular animals "were for Eliza to hold". She also told me that Eliza was sitting with me while we were reading. 

I am just amazed at how often Amara brings up her sister. She has so much pride in her voice about talking about her baby sister. 

I started crying thinking about what it would look like reading to my 3 children on the couch, Amara holding Eliza with Callen next to them. How many times in my life am I going to invision what could have been and burst into tears? 

I was able to still pull it together and read and smile and laugh with these 2 goofs. Just look at them! We had an awesome date night snuggling, reading, eating popcorn. 

I laugh, and I cry, and I cry and I laugh. All within minutes of each other. Its the norm around here these days.
I guess thats part of life with 3 children, 2 on earth and 1 in heaven above.

I am Grateful

I know it seems odd to write a post about what I am grateful for. But going through the last few weeks, I've been reminded of several things I am grateful for.

First, I am so grateful that I am not angry. Prior to all of this, I always thought I would be angry, that my faith would be tested, that I would question God if something bad were to happen to us. I guess I thought I would think "why me?"
Neither of these thoughts have occurred and I am SO thankful for that. I mean, really really grateful.
I think I have just come to understand that there is hardship in life. It is everywhere around us. I have come to understand that  I cannot understand God's will. I'm not supposed to understand it. There are reasons things happen the way that they do, and it is far beyond my control.

Now, I'm not saying I'm perfectly okay with everything. Because that would be a lie. My heart aches, and I long for Eliza to be here with us on earth. There is not a day that will go by that I won't wonder what her personality would be like, if she would be a girly girl or a tomboy. If she would like princesses or trains and cars. I can just see her looking up to Amara and Callen. It hurts. I am sad. I wish I could breathe in her scent and kiss her head. I wish I could rock her to sleep and sit and watch her like I watched Amara and Callen.

Sometimes, when I'm alone, my longing for her to be with us is so deep, it feels like I'm missing a limb.

But I'm not angry. And I'm not questioning God on why this happened to us. For that, I am grateful.

Even though there is heartache, I am thankful Eliza is a part of our family. Despite all of the tears, I am thankful I was blessed to carry her for 6 months. I can't explain it, but she is a part of us and always will be. We are forever changed, and for the better. For my sweet baby girl Eliza, I am grateful.

My husband, I truly, honestly cannot even begin to fathem going through this experience alone. Having Travis by my side has gotten me through an impossible situation. And while I don't have the answers and sometimes feel lost, he brings me comfort and gives me strength to keep going. For him, I am grateful.

Amara & Callen. Where to begin? Like my blog title, my children are the beat of my heart, the pulse in my veins and the energy in my soul. I truly mean every one of those words. When I feel soo broken, I see them and they bring a burst of energy into my soul that is needed to carry on. For them, I am so incredibly grateful that words can't even begin to explain.

For every card, prayer, well thoughts and wishes, meal, I am grateful. I wish I could say I responded to everyone to let them know that their kind words meant a lot for me, but alas that is not true. I am still trying to figure out what to say. But I am very thankful for the support from the Skeies, the Wieland family, the Schwartz family and the Elvecrog family.
I am thankful for the wonderful people we've met through ECFE and their support, the Murray, Hahn, Willis, Stebner, Rotsch, Schroeder, Green, Kistner, and Linscott families.

I am SO thankful for our parents who helped us out tremendously, by being available to do whatever it was we needed at a very short notice.

Our grandparents, who I know have been thinking of us. Our aunts & uncles, and cousins. We love you all dearly and greatly appreciate the cards, texts, emails, and prayers.

So many times, we were asked by family and friends what we needed and honestly, if I knew, I would say something but the truth is, I didn't know what I needed. I still don't.
For the the friends and family members not accepting my silence, but insisting on being there for us when I hadn't the strength, I am grateful.

Callen 2 1/2

Being the 25th today, Callen is technically 2 yrs 7 mos, but oh well. Here is 2 1/2 year update on my favorite little man.
Sleep: Sleeps from 8pm - 6:30am, nap from 1:30-3:30. He sleeps with his tractor blankie, scout, green pillow, a bottle of water, books, and an assortment of trains and cars

Food: He is a pretty good eater, favorite foods are breakfast cereal, pancakes, waffles, applesauce, cereal bars, granola bars, fruit snacks, fruit leathers, smoothies, yogurt, chicken nuggets, pizza, spaghetti, peanut butter. He almost always will try dinner, and will usually eat it all. In general, he doesn't love fresh cut fruit (weird I know) or vegetables unless they are mixed in like a casserole or pot pie. He does like caesar salad though. He likes to eat peanut butter by the spoonful and is known for actually climbing into the cupboard to acquire some PB. He also loves ketchup and could eat that by the spoonful if we let him.
Characters: Still lovin all things Thomas the tank engine, Lightning McQueen and Mater, Dora and Diego
Toys: Plays with train table daily, lately has been liking playing in Amara's room with her dollhouse. He loves toy cars, construction vehicles and PLAYDOUGH. He also really likes doing 24 pc puzzles.

Callen has a contagious laugh. He will find something so funny, he will giggle and laugh till he can't breathe anymore. He is constantly on the go. Him and Amara chase each other around our house, laughing hysterically. He adores Amara and wants to do everything she does.

In public places, such as community centers and gyms with tons of kids that he has never met, he stays more to himself. He doesn't follow or talk to kids that he doesn't know if there is a big group. But in a smaller setting, with fewer kids, he is very talkative and will chat with other kids. He is NOT a follower by any means unless it comes to following Amara. He will follow Amara anywhere, but not anyone else. He would rather do his own thing. He is a very independent individual. He knows what he wants and doesn't like to be told otherwise. He really is happy most of the time. Unless he doesn't want to do something, then it is not happening. When he doesn't want to do something, he will let you know, loud and clear.

He has always been a good sleeper but lately, over the last month or two, he has been sometimes waking in the middle of the night because, "a fish bit his finger", "a tiger bit his hand", or most recently, "a crab bit his chin." He has these dreams more than once too. I wonder if he is just dreaming more and when he wakes up, he is just disoriented.

There is no stopping this kid if there is something he can run through. Crunchy leaves, snow, rain puddles. He will find them. And run through them.

My sweet boy. He gives hugs and kisses and says, "Mommy, I love you". I love him with every beat of my heart and will never stop telling him that. There won't ever be a day when he tells me that he loves me that my heart won't melt. I am SO lucky to be this little boys Mommy.