What Should Be

When I think back to the day that Eliza's heart stopped beating, I HATE saying that it was the 'worst day of my life' because that isn't necessarily true. Was it the most difficult? Probably. Was it unbearable? Yes. 

It was excruciating painful, mentally and well for my physically as well. 

But I can't look back to that day as the worst day of my life. 

It just doesn't seem right. But I feel like I need an adjective to define it, I can't come up with one though. It obviously was one of the most.... defining days of my life.

Not the worst day though.

There are several reasons why it wasn't the worst day, I was able to see Eliza. I was able to hold and cradle her, look at and study every feature, I was able to physically touch her, even though her soul was gone from her body. 

Her body. 

Sigh.

It was real, she is real. She was here.

Due date has come and gone. 

I was driving the other day and my longing for her was so intense, that I had to pull over as I was dry heaving. 

I grieve for her, Eliza, her, specifically HER. Not a baby, not any newborn, but for Eliza. I wanted to hear her cry.

We were driving in the car, bring Amara to Vacation Bible School, and I looked in my rear view mirror. Amara and Cal were arguing over something, what movie to watch maybe? and all I could think about is that there should be an additional voice in the back crying that beautiful newborn cry because she was hungry and because her brother and sister were too loud for her to sleep. 

Yup, I cried at not being able to hear Eliza cry. At what should be.

This specific situation probably would have stressed me out, I probably would have yelled back to A & C to stop being so loud so E could sleep. I would have been stressed and wanted to pull my hair out. I would have been yawning because of sleep deprivation, tired and stressed. 

But I LONG for it. Deeply long for it. 

And that is not ever going to go away.