What Should Be

When I think back to the day that Eliza's heart stopped beating, I HATE saying that it was the 'worst day of my life' because that isn't necessarily true. Was it the most difficult? Probably. Was it unbearable? Yes. 

It was excruciating painful, mentally and well for my physically as well. 

But I can't look back to that day as the worst day of my life. 

It just doesn't seem right. But I feel like I need an adjective to define it, I can't come up with one though. It obviously was one of the most.... defining days of my life.

Not the worst day though.

There are several reasons why it wasn't the worst day, I was able to see Eliza. I was able to hold and cradle her, look at and study every feature, I was able to physically touch her, even though her soul was gone from her body. 

Her body. 

Sigh.

It was real, she is real. She was here.

Due date has come and gone. 

I was driving the other day and my longing for her was so intense, that I had to pull over as I was dry heaving. 

I grieve for her, Eliza, her, specifically HER. Not a baby, not any newborn, but for Eliza. I wanted to hear her cry.

We were driving in the car, bring Amara to Vacation Bible School, and I looked in my rear view mirror. Amara and Cal were arguing over something, what movie to watch maybe? and all I could think about is that there should be an additional voice in the back crying that beautiful newborn cry because she was hungry and because her brother and sister were too loud for her to sleep. 

Yup, I cried at not being able to hear Eliza cry. At what should be.

This specific situation probably would have stressed me out, I probably would have yelled back to A & C to stop being so loud so E could sleep. I would have been stressed and wanted to pull my hair out. I would have been yawning because of sleep deprivation, tired and stressed. 

But I LONG for it. Deeply long for it. 

And that is not ever going to go away.

June

Wow, its seriously been a month since I've posted?
I haven't exactly been busy or anything.
I feel... like I have no sense of clarity. I am doing alright, but I just seem to have no focus.
I need to make lists of what to do otherwise nothing would ever get done.

My due date is approaching. July 20th.  I should be hugely pregnant. I think what could have been. What it would have been like to have Eliza still inside me, big and rolling around.

I hear a song or see something in the sky and I think of Eliza. I miss her. So. So. MUCH. I love her. So much.
-------------------------

June went by really quickly actually. Amara had a camp at the Family Center. Travis and I went to two weddings. Amara had a week long camp at her dance school. We have been to the beach, splash pads, the zoo.

Practicing ballet in our kitchen

Looking at giraffes at the MN Zoo

Then July came and we started that out by going up north to Bagley, MN to spend the 4th of July with tons of Travis' family. We had a great time soaking up the sun, playing at the park, barbecuing food and playing corn hole and kubb.

We shall see what July brings.

I put your name in my heart, and forever it will stay.

Dear Eliza,
I hope you know how often I think of you. How often I wish that things were different and you were here on earth with us. Sometimes, out of the blue, sometimes not, I just cry. It can come out of no where. Always when I am alone. My heart aches, terribly. I miss you so very much. I miss the memories that we won't ever have a chance to make.

I often lay in my bed and stare at the wall. This is my view.

Silhouettes of your sister and brother are on the left and when I look directly at the wall, I see you. What I have of you remains in that tiny box. 

Oh Eliza, I hope you are being rocked to sleep, and are snuggled and cuddled in heaven. 

I miss you so very much. You are constantly with me. In every thought I have, I feel your presence.

So much love to you my sweet baby.

-Mommy

(Also, soooo thankful for the support from my ECFE mommies who came together to get us the plaque for Eliza)

Valleyfair

So last weekend, we went to valleyfair thanks to Uncle Jordan who gave us season passes last Sept for the kids' birthdays. First time of the season and the kids LOVED it! Callen enjoyed this rollercoaster.

Meanwhile, sitting next to me... This girlie loves every single ride.

Giant swing ride.

Loving the plane ride. This was one of Callen's favorites.

Then Travis and Amara went on this bigger kid ride that Amara LOVED.

Callen was too short to go on this one, this is how he felt about that...

It was a really nice day and the lines were great. We walked on to almost every ride, or only had to wait a few minutes. Really nice to be able to go for a couple hours and know that we will be back soon. 

May

What have we been up to lately? Its mid-may and we finally have some nice weather. Amara and Callen have been LOVING it. We've been spending hours and hours outside.

Kids and dirt.

What are they looking at?  Shortly after this, water was added and they said it was a chocolate swamp. They got covered in head to toe in mud. And I just watched.  Who am I to take kids away from mud?

We've also been enjoying some sprinkler time!

All in all, the kids are loving the nice weather. It sure helps me too with the sun shining down, knowing our sweet girl above is always with us. 

It really is quite astonishing at how frequent Amara brings up Eliza. Amara is constantly telling me about how much Eliza is in her room with her, playing with her, just always with her. 

And while it is always music to my heart to have Amara thinking of her, it also always feels like a stab to my heart as well. It's a very complex feeling. 

We'll be getting into the car and Amara will say "Mom, make sure to buckle up Eliza". I tell her that Angels don't need to be buckled, they have wings and can't be hurt. 

*Stab to my heart, IWishICouldBuckleUpMyBabyInACarseat*

Or we will be eating dinner and when I sit down in a chair, Amara will say "Mom, Eliza is sitting there." So I tell her that Eliza can sit on my lap. 

*Stab to my heart, IWishMyBabyWasSittingHereAtTheDinnerTable*

Or we will be walking in a parking lot, and I tell Amara and Callen to hold my hand so they don't get hurt. Amara will say "Mom, I can hold Eliza's hand."

*Stab to my heart, IWishIWasPushingAStrollerSoYouCouldActuallyHoldHerHand*

Or I'll be putting Amara to bed and she will say "Mom, don't forget to say goodnight to Eliza."

*Stab to my heart, IWishICouldHugAndKissMyBabyGoodnight*

So I then say goodnight to my 2 girls, tell them both how much I love them. Only for 1, I look up to the sky, or ceiling, whatever. Dear baby girl, I hope you are being rocked to sleep with sweet lullabies and music up above. I hope you feel our love and feel nothing short of bliss.

It is so constant, SO very many times throughout the day. Every single time her name is mentioned, I feel both relieved that Eliza means so much, she is real. But it also hurts. So very very much.

Sometimes, missing her completely takes my breath away. Most always, when I am alone. I suddenly will feel all the air sucked out of my body and need to remind myself to take a few deep breaths. 

BUT we are okay. I am okay. 

We are living life, we're enjoying the weather. Amara has her last few weeks of preschool for the year coming up. Summer is coming up, there will be parks, picnics, summer camps, nights with bonfires, swimming and bike riding. We look forward to spending time with our friends, and embarking on lots of adventures and memory making. 

Mother's Day

It is Mother's Day.
I have very conflicting emotions today. I woke up today, went online and images of mothers and babies floded my screen. It is a joyous time to celebrate motherhood. There are poems and sayings about the amazingness of being a momma.
I want to be a Mom to Eliza. I want to kiss her and love her.

A Mom's job to meet the needs of her child. For Amara and Callen, this means giving them nutritious foods, opportunities to grow, learn and explore. Loving them, reading to them. Teaching them.

Eliza's needs were different. All she needed was for me to provide a safe haven while transitioned from this world to the next.

But as all mothers know, we can always do better. And while I have very few regrets about anything that we've done, I still wish I could have been stronger for her. I wish I could have embraced her while she was alive. But it was so much, and I was so broken.

I wish I could not just meet the basic needs of my children, I wish to excel at them and give them everything I have. They are, afterall, the beat of my heart.

Amara, Callen, Eliza.
ACE.

*Sigh*

The norm

The other night, Travis worked late. Me and the kids had the night to ourselves so we had a popcorn and book night. Amara went into her room and got all of her stuffed animals and blankets. Her and Callen sat on the main couch and she instructed me to sit on the other couch to read books to them. When I sat down there were a few stuffed animals that I set aside so I could sit down. She immediately scolded me because those particular animals "were for Eliza to hold". She also told me that Eliza was sitting with me while we were reading. 

I am just amazed at how often Amara brings up her sister. She has so much pride in her voice about talking about her baby sister. 

I started crying thinking about what it would look like reading to my 3 children on the couch, Amara holding Eliza with Callen next to them. How many times in my life am I going to invision what could have been and burst into tears? 

I was able to still pull it together and read and smile and laugh with these 2 goofs. Just look at them! We had an awesome date night snuggling, reading, eating popcorn. 

I laugh, and I cry, and I cry and I laugh. All within minutes of each other. Its the norm around here these days.
I guess thats part of life with 3 children, 2 on earth and 1 in heaven above.