Dear Eliza

Dear Eliza,
You are very much wanted. You are very much loved, you were from the very start and you will be forever in my heart. I want to tell you about the details of your life so far.

On Sun, Nov 4th, I took a home pregnancy test in the bathroom. I was not expecting it to be positive as I had just stopped taking birth control pills just a few weeks prior. But I felt 'off' and a little gaggy while brushing my teeth, and took a test anyway. (I didn't even tell Daddy that I had bought one, because I didn't expect it to be positive).  I saw it and I smiled, a HUGE grin, I was ecstatic. I. was. so. excited.
I called Daddy into the bathroom and showed him. He smiled and went to go see what Amara and Callen were doing.

I thought about when I found out that I was pregnant with Amara, I was just as excited but I was very very scared about what it meant to parent. Again when I found out I was pregnant with Callen, I was just as excited, but scared about how it would affect Amara, I felt guilt even at the thought of taking my attention and love away from her and sharing it with someone else, I wasn't sure how we were going to manage with 2 kids. I worried about finances.

With you, sweet Eliza, I was not scared at all about what it would mean to add you to our family. I wasn't nervous about how we would manage car seats, or how we would deal with our room situation (only have 3 bedrooms on our main floor). I wasn't worried about how we would financially manage. I was just excited. I was never worried for a single second about the affect that you being here would mean to Amara and Callen. I just knew that having you, would mean more love in our family.

I went in to my first Doctor appt when I was 6 weeks along. It was Monday (Nov 19th). They wheeled a ultrasound machine in to check to see if there was anything in my uterus. My heart SANK, when she turned the screen to me and said there was an empty sac. But that because I was just off of birth control and my last period was considered an "artificial period" that there the dates could be off and there was hope yet. She scheduled me for another ultrasound 4 days later, Friday the 23rd, Black Friday, the day after thanksgiving. She said that the sac could very well by empty again, it's called a 'blighted ovum', when the egg gets fertilized and attatches itself to the uterine wall. You still feel pregnant, but the embryo doesn't develop.  If the scan on Friday showed an empty sac, I could expect to start bleeding and cramping at any time. I was particularly nervous because we were going out of town that Friday to go up north to Clearbrook. I remember packing pads and ibuprofen, as the doc had said to be prepared.

Friday morning. I believe my appt was at 9am. We went in, I felt like I was holding my breath, but sure enough, there was the tiniest of flickers. The very start of your heartbeat. The ultrasound technician said that your heart had either started beating that day or possibly the day prior. The measurement was 5w6d which was 4 days off. My due date was changed to July 20th.

We left the office feeling hopeful. I felt like I could breathe again. The sun was shining, winter was coming, Christmas was coming and you could feel it in the air. We were headed up north to one of my favorite places to be. I was feeling good.

Shortly after, when I was 6-10weeks, I was exhausted. Completely exhausted. I felt like my body was run down and I could barely manage to make it from my bed to the couch each day. Forget about cleaning the house. I was just so tired. I was nauseated. I was constantly dry heaving and throwing up. Grandma Lisa & Daddy did all the hosuework because I was so sick.

Before long, it was Christmas, Auntie Meg came to stay with us. I told her about you almost right away, as I was seriously so lazy and basically lived on the couch all day. We came up with ideas on how to tell Grandma Judy & Grandpa. We would have told them sooner but I thought Christmas would be the perfect time, especially since the kids one and only Grandpa was in NYC with FEMA. Telling him that a third grandchild was coming would be something joyous to learn of as he was celebrating Christmas without his family. We told uncle Jordan on Christmas Eve too.

I can't emphasize enough how excited I felt to be carrying you, my third baby.

January soon was here, and before long I was 12 weeks. At 12 weeks, I started to feel a little better, still really tired, but I was starting to enjoy food again. It was time for me to go to Perinatology for a consultation about the plan of action for this pregnancy cause Mama has an incompetent cervix. They did an ultrasound, and you looked just perfect for being 12 weeks. You were a tad bit small, measuring 5 days behind, but they weren't worried at all as each millimeter at that stage makes a big difference. I was scheduled to get a cerclage at 13 weeks.

The cerclage went as well as it could. It was very scary for me, obviously as there was a risk to you. I risked the bag of water being ruptured or getting an infection, but it seemed to be the best plan so that you had the best chance of being born full term. I then was scheduled for biweekly visits to check cervical length and look at the cerclage to see that it was still in tact.

Once we had the all clear that the cerclage was in and you were okay. We told Amara and Callen. Amara insisted that you were a girl. She told us all the things that she wanted to teach you. How to dance, how to speak spanish, how to play with toys. She looked at the toys around the house and picked out the ones that would be best for you to have. She offered her blankets and said that you are welcome to sleep in her room anytime you want to because she will take care of you. She loves you, so very much.

14, 16, and 18 week appts- You looked great, heart always beating away 150-160bpm. Your brain was developing good. All organs looked good. You moved and yawned. Again, the only thing even remotely 'off' was your measuring 5-6 days behind. Which I was continuously told to not worry about.

The anatomy scan. March 6th, I was 20 weeks, 4 days.This is a very long appointment where they take full measurements of everything. I had Daddy take the day off of work to come with so we could see every part of you. He had another appt before hand so he had to meet me at the Perinatal office for the scan.

I remember the morning of the appt, I was anxious to get the all clear that you were healthy and growing on track. Nothing could have prepared me for that day. Daddy wasn't there yet when I was called back but they started the scan. I can tell you how defining the moment was when they put the probe on my stomach.
At the first glimpse of you that day, my heart started to race. I Knew something was wrong, immediately  like within the first 10 seconds. The technician scanning me asked me if I was alright. I said "Something looks off, somethings not right." She responded "I have to do a lot more scanning to do, I've barely just begun" or something like that. She then asked me if I was in the medical field. Which at the time, I didn't really think about the why she asked me that. I just said that I stayed home with my kids.

Travis came in right after that. I told her that I had to use the restroom, she left the room and I ran to the bathroom and came back. I told him that something was wrong. I said the fluid level doesn't look right, she spent way too long examining the heart and brain. I had a bad feeling.

The tech came in to finish which took another good 1/2 hour, I was silent for most of it, just feeling the pounding beat of my heart. She kept asking if I was okay, and I kept saying I am just worried.
She then told us to stay put while she went to get the Doctor. My Doctor came in to say that there was very little amniotic fluid and that you were 4 weeks behind in growth, which is incredibly abnormal for this stage.  And so began lots of testing. Still so many questions with no answers.

That day, so defining. I think about things 'before that day' and 'after that day'. Time has drastically slowed down. Each day feels like an eternity. In reality, it has been 3 weeks and 2 days since that day, but I feel I have aged years.

Sweet Baby E, your mama loves you so very much. I need you to know how much you are loved. How much you are wanted. How important you are.

-Mommy

Shaving Cream

Going through some photos, we played with some shaving cream the other day.

Amara wrote her name in the shaving cream.
Then she decided to write Callens

I tried to tell her the the 2 L's were upside down but she didn't believe me. For some reason, the N was scaled waaaaaay dow in comparison to the rest of the name.

Callen mostly enjoyed making 'Tracks" with his fingers and running trucks through the "Snow"

Another year older

Well, my (and Travis') birthdays have come and gone. I'm another year older. I couldn't help but think about the last 5 years of birthdays
5 years ago, on my birthday I was 4 months pregnant
4 years ago, on my birthday I was nursing a 6 month old
3 years ago, on my birthday I was 3 months pregnant & had an 18 mo old
2 years ago, on my birthday I was nursing a 5 month old & had a 2 1/2 yr old
1 year ago, on my birthday, I had a 3 1/2 year old and an 18 mo old
This year, I am 23 weeks pregnant. Amara is 4 1/2 and Cal is 2 1/2

I realized my life events seem to revolve around the kids' ages. For example, someone could ask me when we got our minivan, my answer is oh when Amara was 15 mos old. Or someone could ask when we went to texas for vacation, my answer is right after Callen turned 1 and Amara turned 3. Even things not (directly) related to the kids. When did we buy our house - "When I was 5 months pregnant with Amara."

For some reason, I've just never really thought about it before that the happenings of our lives will be remembered by me with association to how old the kids were at the time. I can't help but wonder what this time period in my life will look like. What will future birthdays look like. Where will we be a year from now?

I hope we are celebrating. Celebrating life. because that's what I want my kids to remember about birthdays.
I wish for my children to celebrate each year of their birth because to ME, their being alive on the day they were born is reason to celebrate. For each and every one of their birthdays, I will rejoice and praise God for their being here on earth.

From bad to worse

Had our weekly appointment yesterday with perinatology.
It started with an ultrasound, which showed baby's fluid, while still low, it is exactly where it has been the last 2 weeks. There is about 5.5 cms of fluid when there should be a minimum of 8 cms. Her heartbeat was about 148bpm and she was moving around as much as she could in her tiny sac of fluid. She was really quite active, but I have yet to feel much movement because of an anterior placenta.

Then, she started to look at the umbilical cord.
They are looking at the umbilical cord to watch the blood flow from the placenta to the baby. Last week, they were able to see that there was still adequate blood flow going to her. Today, the blood flow is much more restricted. These conditions are making it nearly impossible for her to have any chance at growing.

I then see my Doctor, she comes in. Based on the ultrasound findings, and the quick rate of deterioration, she is not very optimistic. At all. She says that we need to figure out what is going on and suggests we do a CVS (Chorionic Villus Sampling) where she would take a small sample of my placenta and send it to a lab for analysis. Even though I already had the verifi prenatal blood test, a sample directly from the placenta may possibly give us the answers we are looking for.

The procedure was relatively quick, I had to have a full bladder for it which made it quite difficult when trying to lay completely still while she inserted a needle into my abdomen. not to mention my nerves were shot and I was pretty much violently shaking. I stared at the tiny holes in the ceiling and tried counting them while she was doing it, trying to stay as still as I possibly could. Travis said I was in a meditative state making a repetitive humming sound. Once she was done, the ultrasound tech checks out her heartbeat which was 145bpm.

Here we are at 22 1/2 weeks along, and given essentially no chance that this could work out okay. Yet here they are, scanning her little tiny body showing me her beating heat and all of her functional working limbs. She is moving, and sticking her legs above her head, opening and closing her mouth, Alive.

As my Doctor is finishing up and saying goodbye to be she tells not be surprised to find out at our next appointment (next wed) that her heart has stopped beating.

I am at a loss of what to do or say. I know there is no right or wrong in what to do or how to feel. It is all so overwhelming. Sometimes I can talk about everything rationally and calmly and other times I'm a complete mess.

I think I may be all cried out. If that's possible.

Planning

I feel so.. stuck right now.
I can't seem to make any plans because of the fear of the not knowing what is going to happen. I don't know what will happen at my appts each week and how they will affect what we are doing, so I hesitate to make any sort of plan that we didn't already have prior to everything being so complicated.

I really need to get it together, but I really just don't know how to.

Things that are coming up - both Travis and my birthdays (which I honestly don't feel like celebrating, but I know we should at least do dinner & a cake for the kids sake, especially Amara who fully understands that its our birthdays and wants  to celebrate because, that's just what you do when its your birthday), Easter and egg hunts, spring break, summertime activities for Amara that are going to fill up shortly and need to be registered for.

Need. To. Make. Plans.
Plans can change, people are flexible, people understand.
Get it through my head.

For now, Amara has a tea party to host. Planning will just have to wait some more.

Baby

We are 22 weeks along right now with our third child.

2 weeks ago at the 20 week anatomy ultrasound, we found out that She (yes, its a girl) is not growing correctly and there is low amniotic fluid. She was and still is continuing to measure 4 weeks behind in the 1st-2nd percentile. We were given 3 potential reasons for the lack of growth- an infection that I caught and passed along to her, she could have a chromosomal abnormality, or my placenta could not be doing it's job correctly.
We were immediately sent to meet with a genetics counselor where we were told of all the potential abnormalities. Due to the fluid levels, an amniocentesis was not an option, however, there is a blood test that is fairly new called verifi that can detect many (but not all chromosomal abnormalities with a fairly high accuracy rate in detection)

Here is more information on the verifi prenatal test - http://www.verinata.com/providers/provider-overview/

After a very very long week, we were told that I don't have the possible infections tested for (things like Toxoplasmosis, Fifth's disease, Cytomegalovirus (CMV)) and that the results of the verifi prenatal test were normal. Again, the verifi is NOT completely accurate and does not detect things like Triploidy which is a chromosomal abnormality not compatible with life. The only way to be 100% sure is an amnio, but that isn't an option for us.

The ultrasounds so far have shown no other abnormalities in the baby, just slow growth and low fluid. The heart, brain, kidneys, stomach, etc. all seem to be functioning properly. This leaves us with a pretty severe case of IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Restriction). Baby girl is not getting the adequate nutrients she needs from the placenta.

Right now, the only things I can do is drink tons of water, eat a balanced diet, and just pray that she is able to get enough nutrition through my apparently defective placenta. It is a rough place to be in and we are just taking it one day at a time hoping that we can make it to a point of viability for her. She would need to be both at least 500 grams (over a pound) and past 24 weeks in order to have a fighting chance. She is currently about 6 oz or 170 grams at 21 1/2 weeks. It is not likely for her to be 500 grams for several more weeks which is complicated because the placenta is not functioning properly, and as a result some point in the very near future (could be tomorrow or could be 8 weeks from now) there will be decreased blood flow in the uterus and placenta. This will be closely monitored by checking the blood flow in the umbilical cord weekly via ultrasound. Once there is no blood flow, immediate delivery is imminent regardless of gestational age or weight. We also are told that there is a high rate of stillbirth with babies with severe IUGR and we need to be aware of that as we go into our weekly appointments.

At this point, all we ask for is prayers for peace and comfort whatever our future holds. We pray that baby girl fights and is able to have a chance of life on this earth. Her mommy, daddy, sister and brother love her so so much.

My Kids

They know me in a way no one ever has

They open me to things I never knew existed

They drive me to insanity and push me to my depths

They are the beat of my heart, the pulse of my veins, and the energy in my soul

They are my kids.

I found this quote on pinterest one day. I find it incredibly true to how I feel about my kids. 

I am really late in starting a blog about them, and I feel bad about that but I feel like over the course of the next few months, I am going to need an outlet to write about whats going on in our lives. More on that later, for now, just know that my family is my everything.