Dear Eliza

Dear Eliza,
You are very much wanted. You are very much loved, you were from the very start and you will be forever in my heart. I want to tell you about the details of your life so far.

On Sun, Nov 4th, I took a home pregnancy test in the bathroom. I was not expecting it to be positive as I had just stopped taking birth control pills just a few weeks prior. But I felt 'off' and a little gaggy while brushing my teeth, and took a test anyway. (I didn't even tell Daddy that I had bought one, because I didn't expect it to be positive).  I saw it and I smiled, a HUGE grin, I was ecstatic. I. was. so. excited.
I called Daddy into the bathroom and showed him. He smiled and went to go see what Amara and Callen were doing.

I thought about when I found out that I was pregnant with Amara, I was just as excited but I was very very scared about what it meant to parent. Again when I found out I was pregnant with Callen, I was just as excited, but scared about how it would affect Amara, I felt guilt even at the thought of taking my attention and love away from her and sharing it with someone else, I wasn't sure how we were going to manage with 2 kids. I worried about finances.

With you, sweet Eliza, I was not scared at all about what it would mean to add you to our family. I wasn't nervous about how we would manage car seats, or how we would deal with our room situation (only have 3 bedrooms on our main floor). I wasn't worried about how we would financially manage. I was just excited. I was never worried for a single second about the affect that you being here would mean to Amara and Callen. I just knew that having you, would mean more love in our family.

I went in to my first Doctor appt when I was 6 weeks along. It was Monday (Nov 19th). They wheeled a ultrasound machine in to check to see if there was anything in my uterus. My heart SANK, when she turned the screen to me and said there was an empty sac. But that because I was just off of birth control and my last period was considered an "artificial period" that there the dates could be off and there was hope yet. She scheduled me for another ultrasound 4 days later, Friday the 23rd, Black Friday, the day after thanksgiving. She said that the sac could very well by empty again, it's called a 'blighted ovum', when the egg gets fertilized and attatches itself to the uterine wall. You still feel pregnant, but the embryo doesn't develop.  If the scan on Friday showed an empty sac, I could expect to start bleeding and cramping at any time. I was particularly nervous because we were going out of town that Friday to go up north to Clearbrook. I remember packing pads and ibuprofen, as the doc had said to be prepared.

Friday morning. I believe my appt was at 9am. We went in, I felt like I was holding my breath, but sure enough, there was the tiniest of flickers. The very start of your heartbeat. The ultrasound technician said that your heart had either started beating that day or possibly the day prior. The measurement was 5w6d which was 4 days off. My due date was changed to July 20th.

We left the office feeling hopeful. I felt like I could breathe again. The sun was shining, winter was coming, Christmas was coming and you could feel it in the air. We were headed up north to one of my favorite places to be. I was feeling good.

Shortly after, when I was 6-10weeks, I was exhausted. Completely exhausted. I felt like my body was run down and I could barely manage to make it from my bed to the couch each day. Forget about cleaning the house. I was just so tired. I was nauseated. I was constantly dry heaving and throwing up. Grandma Lisa & Daddy did all the hosuework because I was so sick.

Before long, it was Christmas, Auntie Meg came to stay with us. I told her about you almost right away, as I was seriously so lazy and basically lived on the couch all day. We came up with ideas on how to tell Grandma Judy & Grandpa. We would have told them sooner but I thought Christmas would be the perfect time, especially since the kids one and only Grandpa was in NYC with FEMA. Telling him that a third grandchild was coming would be something joyous to learn of as he was celebrating Christmas without his family. We told uncle Jordan on Christmas Eve too.

I can't emphasize enough how excited I felt to be carrying you, my third baby.

January soon was here, and before long I was 12 weeks. At 12 weeks, I started to feel a little better, still really tired, but I was starting to enjoy food again. It was time for me to go to Perinatology for a consultation about the plan of action for this pregnancy cause Mama has an incompetent cervix. They did an ultrasound, and you looked just perfect for being 12 weeks. You were a tad bit small, measuring 5 days behind, but they weren't worried at all as each millimeter at that stage makes a big difference. I was scheduled to get a cerclage at 13 weeks.

The cerclage went as well as it could. It was very scary for me, obviously as there was a risk to you. I risked the bag of water being ruptured or getting an infection, but it seemed to be the best plan so that you had the best chance of being born full term. I then was scheduled for biweekly visits to check cervical length and look at the cerclage to see that it was still in tact.

Once we had the all clear that the cerclage was in and you were okay. We told Amara and Callen. Amara insisted that you were a girl. She told us all the things that she wanted to teach you. How to dance, how to speak spanish, how to play with toys. She looked at the toys around the house and picked out the ones that would be best for you to have. She offered her blankets and said that you are welcome to sleep in her room anytime you want to because she will take care of you. She loves you, so very much.

14, 16, and 18 week appts- You looked great, heart always beating away 150-160bpm. Your brain was developing good. All organs looked good. You moved and yawned. Again, the only thing even remotely 'off' was your measuring 5-6 days behind. Which I was continuously told to not worry about.

The anatomy scan. March 6th, I was 20 weeks, 4 days.This is a very long appointment where they take full measurements of everything. I had Daddy take the day off of work to come with so we could see every part of you. He had another appt before hand so he had to meet me at the Perinatal office for the scan.

I remember the morning of the appt, I was anxious to get the all clear that you were healthy and growing on track. Nothing could have prepared me for that day. Daddy wasn't there yet when I was called back but they started the scan. I can tell you how defining the moment was when they put the probe on my stomach.
At the first glimpse of you that day, my heart started to race. I Knew something was wrong, immediately  like within the first 10 seconds. The technician scanning me asked me if I was alright. I said "Something looks off, somethings not right." She responded "I have to do a lot more scanning to do, I've barely just begun" or something like that. She then asked me if I was in the medical field. Which at the time, I didn't really think about the why she asked me that. I just said that I stayed home with my kids.

Travis came in right after that. I told her that I had to use the restroom, she left the room and I ran to the bathroom and came back. I told him that something was wrong. I said the fluid level doesn't look right, she spent way too long examining the heart and brain. I had a bad feeling.

The tech came in to finish which took another good 1/2 hour, I was silent for most of it, just feeling the pounding beat of my heart. She kept asking if I was okay, and I kept saying I am just worried.
She then told us to stay put while she went to get the Doctor. My Doctor came in to say that there was very little amniotic fluid and that you were 4 weeks behind in growth, which is incredibly abnormal for this stage.  And so began lots of testing. Still so many questions with no answers.

That day, so defining. I think about things 'before that day' and 'after that day'. Time has drastically slowed down. Each day feels like an eternity. In reality, it has been 3 weeks and 2 days since that day, but I feel I have aged years.

Sweet Baby E, your mama loves you so very much. I need you to know how much you are loved. How much you are wanted. How important you are.

-Mommy