Still Here

Had a Doctor Appt yesterday to check how baby E's growth. She has gained 2 ounces in 2.5 weeks. So at 24w2d she is just 8 ounces. Still another 8 ounces to gain until she would be viable for life outside the womb. The perinatologist we saw today said she has never seen that happen with the way things are looking. Baby E is starting to get disproportioned because the very little blood flow that is going to her, is going straight to her brain, which is the most crucial. So her head is growing, while her arms and legs are starting to lag even further behind.

The Nurse that got me settled in the room took my vitals, and then sat down. She said that we need to start making some decisions about a birth plan... She didn't really have to elaborate much. I knew what she meant, but I still didn't want to hear it, because frankly, I just don't know. She said once her heart stops beating, what do we want to happen? Apparently, you CAN opt to get knocked out and have a D&E (surgically remove all contents from the uterus) or you get induced and go through labor and delivery. Then do we want pictures taken, do we want anyone else there, do we want to see her, do we want to cremate her.
She asks if I want someone to call me to talk about these things further? Not really, No, I don't want to talk about these things.

I said I will think about everything.

The 3 Perinatologists that we've seen in the last few weeks really feel like this is either a genetic disorder, which has normal chromosomes, but be impossible to diagnose in utero OR a just some terrible terrible bad luck in which the placenta just failed to properly implant. Either way, they just don't know and they don't know what to tell us anymore, other then come back in a week.

I went home and went through the afternoon and evening. Just like everyday these days, the hours drag on. We get through it and go to bed.

So I wake up frequently, switching between laying on my left and right sides. Somewhere around 3:00, I couldn't get comfortable, I was just too hot and felt achy. I laid there anyway, watching the clock turn minutes. I started thinking about what the nurse had said earlier. We need to make some decisions. What do we want to happen? Do I want pictures of her not alive? What will we do with her ashes? Where will we send to get her cremated?

As I'm pondering all of this, she kicks. Not just once, but several times in a row, which in a normal pregnancy maybe wouldn't mean much to feel lots of movements within a minute, but for this one I have barely felt any movements because of her tiny size and the position of the placenta.

"Hey Mom, I'm still here, my heart is still beating."