Life Changer

I wrote the following Monday April 15th at about 6:30am. I saved it as a draft, meaning to come back to it following my doctor appt which was at 10am.

Travis left this morning at 6am, shortly after, Amara walked in and climbed into his spot wanting to cuddle, not with me, but with baby Eliza. 5 minutes later, like clockwork, in comes Callen, he says "Mommy, I'm awake" then drags his tractor blanky, bottle of water, and whatever toy or book he has slept with into my bed. He proceeds to put all of these things in my bed, then climbs in.

There are just some moments when I have Amara on my right and Callen on my left, and Eliza inside my belly. I think everything is going to be okay. I have my children all here with me, I can touch them, feel them. I love these fleeting moments of serenity.

Like usual, Callen gets bored within a minute or two and goes out to the living room to play with trains or books or the like. Amara and I laid for a few minutes longer. We had a conversatin that I simply want to remember.

A: Mom, in a long long time, can we put a crib in my room so I can take care of a baby
Me: Well, you know that Eliza might not live with us, she might go to heaven right away
A: I know that, Mom. Will she live with God? I know, she could help God make lots and lots of babies and then baby Eliza could play with those babies.

I never finished my post, because my plan was to to conclude the post with an update from my Doctor appt. 

For the past 6 weeks, I have listened to Eliza's heartbeat every single day. For reassurance, I would find it, and breathe a sigh of relief. I last listened to her heartbeat on Sunday the 14th after we got home from Church around 1:00pm.

Come Monday morning, I anxiously got myself ready for my appointment. I had only a cup of coffee and a biscotti early on at 7 because I just couldn't eat anything else. I was hoping for some good news. I was hoping they would say she had grown, even just a titch to have some hope. After all, her heart had just kept beating.

I busied myself with getting the kids dressed and ready, taking a shower, getting Amara packed for school. Grandma & Grandpa came over at 9 to watch Callen while I took Amara to school and went to my appt. So I dropped Amara off and got to the perinatal clinic. I was by myself because Travis was busy at work, and I had SO many appointments there was just no way for him to be able to come to every one. Being that I had heard her heartbeat the day prior at home, my biggest fear was that they were going to say that she was lagging even further behind, or hadn't grown at all.

Once I arrived, I chatted with the technician down the hall about the weather, and hopped into the chair like I have done so many times before. She poured globs of warm gel on my belly and placed the probe on. We looked at the screen, she zoomed into the heart, the 4 chambers clear as day, but it was still. There was no beat. We sat there in silence for 10 seconds before she said what I obviously already knew. "I'm not seeing any cardiac activity, I will go get the Doctor."

She left the room, and I sat alone with Eliza inside of me. Tears streamed down each side of my face onto the floor. There is really no possible way that I can even begin to describe the feeling.

Then the Doctor comes in, she says "I'm so sorry, how are you? What can I do for you?"
I don't know what I said, it started to blur. My head was jumbled.

I thought about just a few hours earlier, how I had laid in my bed with all (3) of my children, feeling serene and now here I was being told that my sweet girl's heart had stopped beating.