I am Grateful

I know it seems odd to write a post about what I am grateful for. But going through the last few weeks, I've been reminded of several things I am grateful for.

First, I am so grateful that I am not angry. Prior to all of this, I always thought I would be angry, that my faith would be tested, that I would question God if something bad were to happen to us. I guess I thought I would think "why me?"
Neither of these thoughts have occurred and I am SO thankful for that. I mean, really really grateful.
I think I have just come to understand that there is hardship in life. It is everywhere around us. I have come to understand that  I cannot understand God's will. I'm not supposed to understand it. There are reasons things happen the way that they do, and it is far beyond my control.

Now, I'm not saying I'm perfectly okay with everything. Because that would be a lie. My heart aches, and I long for Eliza to be here with us on earth. There is not a day that will go by that I won't wonder what her personality would be like, if she would be a girly girl or a tomboy. If she would like princesses or trains and cars. I can just see her looking up to Amara and Callen. It hurts. I am sad. I wish I could breathe in her scent and kiss her head. I wish I could rock her to sleep and sit and watch her like I watched Amara and Callen.

Sometimes, when I'm alone, my longing for her to be with us is so deep, it feels like I'm missing a limb.

But I'm not angry. And I'm not questioning God on why this happened to us. For that, I am grateful.

Even though there is heartache, I am thankful Eliza is a part of our family. Despite all of the tears, I am thankful I was blessed to carry her for 6 months. I can't explain it, but she is a part of us and always will be. We are forever changed, and for the better. For my sweet baby girl Eliza, I am grateful.

My husband, I truly, honestly cannot even begin to fathem going through this experience alone. Having Travis by my side has gotten me through an impossible situation. And while I don't have the answers and sometimes feel lost, he brings me comfort and gives me strength to keep going. For him, I am grateful.

Amara & Callen. Where to begin? Like my blog title, my children are the beat of my heart, the pulse in my veins and the energy in my soul. I truly mean every one of those words. When I feel soo broken, I see them and they bring a burst of energy into my soul that is needed to carry on. For them, I am so incredibly grateful that words can't even begin to explain.

For every card, prayer, well thoughts and wishes, meal, I am grateful. I wish I could say I responded to everyone to let them know that their kind words meant a lot for me, but alas that is not true. I am still trying to figure out what to say. But I am very thankful for the support from the Skeies, the Wieland family, the Schwartz family and the Elvecrog family.
I am thankful for the wonderful people we've met through ECFE and their support, the Murray, Hahn, Willis, Stebner, Rotsch, Schroeder, Green, Kistner, and Linscott families.

I am SO thankful for our parents who helped us out tremendously, by being available to do whatever it was we needed at a very short notice.

Our grandparents, who I know have been thinking of us. Our aunts & uncles, and cousins. We love you all dearly and greatly appreciate the cards, texts, emails, and prayers.

So many times, we were asked by family and friends what we needed and honestly, if I knew, I would say something but the truth is, I didn't know what I needed. I still don't.
For the the friends and family members not accepting my silence, but insisting on being there for us when I hadn't the strength, I am grateful.