Valleyfair

So last weekend, we went to valleyfair thanks to Uncle Jordan who gave us season passes last Sept for the kids' birthdays. First time of the season and the kids LOVED it! Callen enjoyed this rollercoaster.

Meanwhile, sitting next to me... This girlie loves every single ride.

Giant swing ride.

Loving the plane ride. This was one of Callen's favorites.

Then Travis and Amara went on this bigger kid ride that Amara LOVED.

Callen was too short to go on this one, this is how he felt about that...

It was a really nice day and the lines were great. We walked on to almost every ride, or only had to wait a few minutes. Really nice to be able to go for a couple hours and know that we will be back soon. 

May

What have we been up to lately? Its mid-may and we finally have some nice weather. Amara and Callen have been LOVING it. We've been spending hours and hours outside.

Kids and dirt.

What are they looking at?  Shortly after this, water was added and they said it was a chocolate swamp. They got covered in head to toe in mud. And I just watched.  Who am I to take kids away from mud?

We've also been enjoying some sprinkler time!

All in all, the kids are loving the nice weather. It sure helps me too with the sun shining down, knowing our sweet girl above is always with us. 

It really is quite astonishing at how frequent Amara brings up Eliza. Amara is constantly telling me about how much Eliza is in her room with her, playing with her, just always with her. 

And while it is always music to my heart to have Amara thinking of her, it also always feels like a stab to my heart as well. It's a very complex feeling. 

We'll be getting into the car and Amara will say "Mom, make sure to buckle up Eliza". I tell her that Angels don't need to be buckled, they have wings and can't be hurt. 

*Stab to my heart, IWishICouldBuckleUpMyBabyInACarseat*

Or we will be eating dinner and when I sit down in a chair, Amara will say "Mom, Eliza is sitting there." So I tell her that Eliza can sit on my lap. 

*Stab to my heart, IWishMyBabyWasSittingHereAtTheDinnerTable*

Or we will be walking in a parking lot, and I tell Amara and Callen to hold my hand so they don't get hurt. Amara will say "Mom, I can hold Eliza's hand."

*Stab to my heart, IWishIWasPushingAStrollerSoYouCouldActuallyHoldHerHand*

Or I'll be putting Amara to bed and she will say "Mom, don't forget to say goodnight to Eliza."

*Stab to my heart, IWishICouldHugAndKissMyBabyGoodnight*

So I then say goodnight to my 2 girls, tell them both how much I love them. Only for 1, I look up to the sky, or ceiling, whatever. Dear baby girl, I hope you are being rocked to sleep with sweet lullabies and music up above. I hope you feel our love and feel nothing short of bliss.

It is so constant, SO very many times throughout the day. Every single time her name is mentioned, I feel both relieved that Eliza means so much, she is real. But it also hurts. So very very much.

Sometimes, missing her completely takes my breath away. Most always, when I am alone. I suddenly will feel all the air sucked out of my body and need to remind myself to take a few deep breaths. 

BUT we are okay. I am okay. 

We are living life, we're enjoying the weather. Amara has her last few weeks of preschool for the year coming up. Summer is coming up, there will be parks, picnics, summer camps, nights with bonfires, swimming and bike riding. We look forward to spending time with our friends, and embarking on lots of adventures and memory making. 

Mother's Day

It is Mother's Day.
I have very conflicting emotions today. I woke up today, went online and images of mothers and babies floded my screen. It is a joyous time to celebrate motherhood. There are poems and sayings about the amazingness of being a momma.
I want to be a Mom to Eliza. I want to kiss her and love her.

A Mom's job to meet the needs of her child. For Amara and Callen, this means giving them nutritious foods, opportunities to grow, learn and explore. Loving them, reading to them. Teaching them.

Eliza's needs were different. All she needed was for me to provide a safe haven while transitioned from this world to the next.

But as all mothers know, we can always do better. And while I have very few regrets about anything that we've done, I still wish I could have been stronger for her. I wish I could have embraced her while she was alive. But it was so much, and I was so broken.

I wish I could not just meet the basic needs of my children, I wish to excel at them and give them everything I have. They are, afterall, the beat of my heart.

Amara, Callen, Eliza.
ACE.

*Sigh*

The norm

The other night, Travis worked late. Me and the kids had the night to ourselves so we had a popcorn and book night. Amara went into her room and got all of her stuffed animals and blankets. Her and Callen sat on the main couch and she instructed me to sit on the other couch to read books to them. When I sat down there were a few stuffed animals that I set aside so I could sit down. She immediately scolded me because those particular animals "were for Eliza to hold". She also told me that Eliza was sitting with me while we were reading. 

I am just amazed at how often Amara brings up her sister. She has so much pride in her voice about talking about her baby sister. 

I started crying thinking about what it would look like reading to my 3 children on the couch, Amara holding Eliza with Callen next to them. How many times in my life am I going to invision what could have been and burst into tears? 

I was able to still pull it together and read and smile and laugh with these 2 goofs. Just look at them! We had an awesome date night snuggling, reading, eating popcorn. 

I laugh, and I cry, and I cry and I laugh. All within minutes of each other. Its the norm around here these days.
I guess thats part of life with 3 children, 2 on earth and 1 in heaven above.