From bad to worse

Had our weekly appointment yesterday with perinatology.
It started with an ultrasound, which showed baby's fluid, while still low, it is exactly where it has been the last 2 weeks. There is about 5.5 cms of fluid when there should be a minimum of 8 cms. Her heartbeat was about 148bpm and she was moving around as much as she could in her tiny sac of fluid. She was really quite active, but I have yet to feel much movement because of an anterior placenta.

Then, she started to look at the umbilical cord.
They are looking at the umbilical cord to watch the blood flow from the placenta to the baby. Last week, they were able to see that there was still adequate blood flow going to her. Today, the blood flow is much more restricted. These conditions are making it nearly impossible for her to have any chance at growing.

I then see my Doctor, she comes in. Based on the ultrasound findings, and the quick rate of deterioration, she is not very optimistic. At all. She says that we need to figure out what is going on and suggests we do a CVS (Chorionic Villus Sampling) where she would take a small sample of my placenta and send it to a lab for analysis. Even though I already had the verifi prenatal blood test, a sample directly from the placenta may possibly give us the answers we are looking for.

The procedure was relatively quick, I had to have a full bladder for it which made it quite difficult when trying to lay completely still while she inserted a needle into my abdomen. not to mention my nerves were shot and I was pretty much violently shaking. I stared at the tiny holes in the ceiling and tried counting them while she was doing it, trying to stay as still as I possibly could. Travis said I was in a meditative state making a repetitive humming sound. Once she was done, the ultrasound tech checks out her heartbeat which was 145bpm.

Here we are at 22 1/2 weeks along, and given essentially no chance that this could work out okay. Yet here they are, scanning her little tiny body showing me her beating heat and all of her functional working limbs. She is moving, and sticking her legs above her head, opening and closing her mouth, Alive.

As my Doctor is finishing up and saying goodbye to be she tells not be surprised to find out at our next appointment (next wed) that her heart has stopped beating.

I am at a loss of what to do or say. I know there is no right or wrong in what to do or how to feel. It is all so overwhelming. Sometimes I can talk about everything rationally and calmly and other times I'm a complete mess.

I think I may be all cried out. If that's possible.