I am Grateful

I know it seems odd to write a post about what I am grateful for. But going through the last few weeks, I've been reminded of several things I am grateful for.

First, I am so grateful that I am not angry. Prior to all of this, I always thought I would be angry, that my faith would be tested, that I would question God if something bad were to happen to us. I guess I thought I would think "why me?"
Neither of these thoughts have occurred and I am SO thankful for that. I mean, really really grateful.
I think I have just come to understand that there is hardship in life. It is everywhere around us. I have come to understand that  I cannot understand God's will. I'm not supposed to understand it. There are reasons things happen the way that they do, and it is far beyond my control.

Now, I'm not saying I'm perfectly okay with everything. Because that would be a lie. My heart aches, and I long for Eliza to be here with us on earth. There is not a day that will go by that I won't wonder what her personality would be like, if she would be a girly girl or a tomboy. If she would like princesses or trains and cars. I can just see her looking up to Amara and Callen. It hurts. I am sad. I wish I could breathe in her scent and kiss her head. I wish I could rock her to sleep and sit and watch her like I watched Amara and Callen.

Sometimes, when I'm alone, my longing for her to be with us is so deep, it feels like I'm missing a limb.

But I'm not angry. And I'm not questioning God on why this happened to us. For that, I am grateful.

Even though there is heartache, I am thankful Eliza is a part of our family. Despite all of the tears, I am thankful I was blessed to carry her for 6 months. I can't explain it, but she is a part of us and always will be. We are forever changed, and for the better. For my sweet baby girl Eliza, I am grateful.

My husband, I truly, honestly cannot even begin to fathem going through this experience alone. Having Travis by my side has gotten me through an impossible situation. And while I don't have the answers and sometimes feel lost, he brings me comfort and gives me strength to keep going. For him, I am grateful.

Amara & Callen. Where to begin? Like my blog title, my children are the beat of my heart, the pulse in my veins and the energy in my soul. I truly mean every one of those words. When I feel soo broken, I see them and they bring a burst of energy into my soul that is needed to carry on. For them, I am so incredibly grateful that words can't even begin to explain.

For every card, prayer, well thoughts and wishes, meal, I am grateful. I wish I could say I responded to everyone to let them know that their kind words meant a lot for me, but alas that is not true. I am still trying to figure out what to say. But I am very thankful for the support from the Skeies, the Wieland family, the Schwartz family and the Elvecrog family.
I am thankful for the wonderful people we've met through ECFE and their support, the Murray, Hahn, Willis, Stebner, Rotsch, Schroeder, Green, Kistner, and Linscott families.

I am SO thankful for our parents who helped us out tremendously, by being available to do whatever it was we needed at a very short notice.

Our grandparents, who I know have been thinking of us. Our aunts & uncles, and cousins. We love you all dearly and greatly appreciate the cards, texts, emails, and prayers.

So many times, we were asked by family and friends what we needed and honestly, if I knew, I would say something but the truth is, I didn't know what I needed. I still don't.
For the the friends and family members not accepting my silence, but insisting on being there for us when I hadn't the strength, I am grateful.

Callen 2 1/2

Being the 25th today, Callen is technically 2 yrs 7 mos, but oh well. Here is 2 1/2 year update on my favorite little man.
Sleep: Sleeps from 8pm - 6:30am, nap from 1:30-3:30. He sleeps with his tractor blankie, scout, green pillow, a bottle of water, books, and an assortment of trains and cars

Food: He is a pretty good eater, favorite foods are breakfast cereal, pancakes, waffles, applesauce, cereal bars, granola bars, fruit snacks, fruit leathers, smoothies, yogurt, chicken nuggets, pizza, spaghetti, peanut butter. He almost always will try dinner, and will usually eat it all. In general, he doesn't love fresh cut fruit (weird I know) or vegetables unless they are mixed in like a casserole or pot pie. He does like caesar salad though. He likes to eat peanut butter by the spoonful and is known for actually climbing into the cupboard to acquire some PB. He also loves ketchup and could eat that by the spoonful if we let him.
Characters: Still lovin all things Thomas the tank engine, Lightning McQueen and Mater, Dora and Diego
Toys: Plays with train table daily, lately has been liking playing in Amara's room with her dollhouse. He loves toy cars, construction vehicles and PLAYDOUGH. He also really likes doing 24 pc puzzles.

Callen has a contagious laugh. He will find something so funny, he will giggle and laugh till he can't breathe anymore. He is constantly on the go. Him and Amara chase each other around our house, laughing hysterically. He adores Amara and wants to do everything she does.

In public places, such as community centers and gyms with tons of kids that he has never met, he stays more to himself. He doesn't follow or talk to kids that he doesn't know if there is a big group. But in a smaller setting, with fewer kids, he is very talkative and will chat with other kids. He is NOT a follower by any means unless it comes to following Amara. He will follow Amara anywhere, but not anyone else. He would rather do his own thing. He is a very independent individual. He knows what he wants and doesn't like to be told otherwise. He really is happy most of the time. Unless he doesn't want to do something, then it is not happening. When he doesn't want to do something, he will let you know, loud and clear.

He has always been a good sleeper but lately, over the last month or two, he has been sometimes waking in the middle of the night because, "a fish bit his finger", "a tiger bit his hand", or most recently, "a crab bit his chin." He has these dreams more than once too. I wonder if he is just dreaming more and when he wakes up, he is just disoriented.

There is no stopping this kid if there is something he can run through. Crunchy leaves, snow, rain puddles. He will find them. And run through them.

My sweet boy. He gives hugs and kisses and says, "Mommy, I love you". I love him with every beat of my heart and will never stop telling him that. There won't ever be a day when he tells me that he loves me that my heart won't melt. I am SO lucky to be this little boys Mommy.

One week

It's been 1 week since I walked into my doctors office to find my sweet Eliza's heart had stopped beating.

It has been a very long and emotional week. In the past week, there have been several headlines to catch my attention, the Boston bombing that occurred as I was in labor. Then the West Fertilizer Co. plant explosion killing what, 14 people? 

Come Wednesday, my ears perked up when I heard a news report on a mishandled stillborn baby at Regions hospital found weeks later in dirty laundry. Here's what makes me sick to my stomach about this story. When Eliza was born, we were gentle with her, we loved her, we cradled her head. We kept her wrapped up. We bathed her. We blessed her. 
I hope and pray to God, that after the impossible moment we left the hospital without her, that everyone that handled our sweet girl used the utmost respect for her body. She deserves it, as does every child born into this world, heartbeat or not. 

Then again, a few days later, on Saturday I read in the news that ANOTHER stillborn baby's remains were sent with the dirty laundry. My stomach churned. They have misplaced this babe, and as far as I'm aware of, they still have yet to find him/her.

What. A. Week.
Seriously. 

Living with an Angel

One of my biggest concerns from the beginning, was telling Amara and Callen about the baby probably not coming home to live with us. More so Amara as her understanding and excitement about a baby was much more so then Callen. I read on a grief board online how to help young children understand the loss of a baby and was recommended this book.
We Were Gonna Have a Baby But We Had An Angel Instead

Now, we have never talked about angels before. I had never brought up the term with Amara before. We had only talked about how Eliza was going to be in heaven and that she was with us everywhere. At 4 1/2, Amara is still trying to figure this out and that is a very very difficult concept to understand. Her being everywhere, her being in heaven.
This book has helped us though, the book is narrated through a young boy. He says, "My mommy had a baby in her tummy. I was really excited about that." He talks about the things he was excited to do with the baby. How he loved to listen to the baby inside his mommys belly and talk to the baby.
He then says, "But something happened, the Baby died. Our baby is not going to live with us."
Then he proceeds to talk about what happens after. Such as the following page.

The point is, this book is very simple to understand and very real. It isn't sugar coated, it tells it how it is which young kids need in order to understand. On each page after the baby died, there is a little angel baby that Amara likes to point out. We just say "yes, the baby is an angel now, and you can't see him/her but the baby is still there." I'm not sure if its the visualization of the angel in this book, but now she talks about how Eliza is here with us. She'll say when we're putting her to bed, that our angel is sitting on her bed next to her. Or that her angel Eliza came to school with her.

She is even blaming the mess in her room on Eliza. Yes, her angel baby sister came into her room and played with all of her toys and took the clothes out of the dresser.

It makes me smile to hear her talk of her. She is real, she is a part of this family. She is a part of our story. She is our baby.

Eliza - Story of a Angel

Once we knew Eliza's heart had stopped beating, my cerclage needed to come out immediately and I had the option of getting induced right away following that.  I was sent to the labor & delivery ward of the hospital right then and there. I walked to elevator of methodist and pressed the button to the third floor. I walked through the halls, hearing the beautiful sound of newborn babes crying. I can see people with flowers, gifts, balloons, to celebrate new life. I've been there myself, I know how amazing it is. I know what a joyous time it is. Walking through the halls, that I walked through with my own two newborn's. 

The smell of the hospital soap brings memories to me, of the 2 best days of my entire life. The days that my children came into this world. 

The maternity ward is all being remodeled, so I found myself wandering the halls, feeling as lost on the outside as I was on the inside.

I made it to the main nurses station, they looked at me questioningly. I chocked back tears and barely let out my name, they knew right where to bring me. I was brought to triage and into a room obviously designed for laboring mothers. There was calming music playing and the 2 standard monitors, 1 for contractions and 1 for babies heartbeat. 

This is where things get a little hectic. I have one nurse checking me in and taking vitals and such, and another nurse comes in and starts talking about bereavement  grief, my other children, what I want to happen during birth, etc. I am on the phone with Travis making sure that he can find me, gets the stuff that we need, gets the minivan that I drove to the hospital home, and gets Amara picked up from preschool. Shortly after, Travis arrives and then the anesthesiologist comes in to chat with me also about what I've had to eat. They needed to place an epidural for the cerclage removal. I held everything together to get checked in.

Come 12:40pm, it was time for me to get walked into the operating room for the cerclage removal. I walk in and it is freezing, absolutely frigid. I was shaking, partly from not eating, my nerves. I sit down and they expose my backside, dousing it with cold iodine. I have to lean into the nurses, curled over my belly so the anesthesiologist has a good view of my spine. The nurse takes my hand, i'm not sure if its the warmth of her hand or the way that she held me so tight, but the tears flowed down my face onto the OR floor. I then lay down and wait for my legs to tingle. There is a giant bright light in the OR that the physician carefully places. I stared into this big bright light which has a reflection thinking about how for so many women, they are able to see their babies brought into this world this way, via the reflection in the surgical light. While maybe not the way they initially wanted, their baby is brought into this world here, in the space that I was currently occupying. I tried to focus on something else while the procedure took place. 

Somewhere around 1:30, I was brought into my labor room where Travis was waiting. Our nurse, Adriene started to go through our paperwork and start the induction. They started with one dose of Cyotec at 2:30. I felt a few cramps but nothing much, the plan was to wait 4 hours, check progress and place another dose of Cyotec again. From 2:30-6:30, we had lots of paperwork to fill out, a certificate of stillbirth, choose a funeral home for cremation, and lots of other signatures. To be honest, when we were left alone, Travis and I would look at each other and say "now what?" we didn't know what to do, and doing anything like watching tv just seemed so mundane in light of what was happening. The minutes dragged on, and at one point,  I just watched the secondhand move on the clock around in a circle hoping to zone out into somewhere else, trying to focus on something. I counted seconds. 

Somehow time moved and it was 6:30, time for a progress check. I was 1cm dilated, but the cervix had been softened which was good. I was given dose 2 of the Cyotec at about 6:45, I had some minor cramping immediately and 15 minutes later, I felt a gush below as my water broke. 

From 7-8 the cramping intensified, and I was miserable. Contractions were coming on full force and I asked for the epidural. Having no experience with the epidural before, I wasn't sure how much it would help. 10 minutes passed once it started and the contractions were still painful. I'm pretty sure I had zero relief in my entire right side and only somewhat so on the left so I was supposed to lay on my right side. I laid there for an hour, wincing, moaning and just not sure how to keep going. I was in so much pain. I gripped onto the bed handle bar, hoping for some strength to get through. 

Right after 9, I could barely breathe through the contractions anymore. I started shaking, uncontrollably from my bottom half down.  I felt pressure and paged the nurse, 2 nurses came in and I started to feel pressure. One nurse asked the other about my shaking, the other one assured her it was a normal response to intense pain. They were paged the Doctor, but the pressure just took off and I had to push right away. Right there on the bed, at 9:19 in one big push, out came Eliza, the umbilical cord and placenta and the sac. 

I felt immediate physical relief. A big sigh of relief came over my body. I laid back, looked up and relished the feeling of release of the pain. I could take a few breaths of air. 

But then I looked down. There between my legs, right on my bed was our baby, and her sac and everything. They had wrapped everything up in a blanket and handed her to me. 

Albeit her tiny size, she was perfect. I mean perfect. They encouraged me to touch her, feel her, and take it all in. Travis was the first to touch her, we started with just barely, barely grazing her skin, afraid of what would happen. I was holding her, and once I was able to touch and feel her skin, I lost it. This was not real, this couldn't actually be happening. I had, somewhat, held it together until this point. But this was uncomprehendable, that probably isn't even a word. But then again, there are no words in the dictionary that can adequately explain my feeling then and there. I got over my fear of touching her, and raised her to my face to feel her skin against mine. She was warm, and her skin was shiny, a purplish reddish color. I looked at her, and every single part of her. She has 10 fingers, and 10 toes and on each one a itty bitty finger/toenail. She had every bone that she was supposed to have and you could easily feel each and every single one of them. The strong femur bones and leg bones. The bones in the arms.  When I placed her on her stomach, curled over, you could feel the vertebre of her spine all the way down to her tailbone. I lightly ran by finger across them from top to bottom. When I felt her head, I could feel the bones surrounding the jaw. The bone in her nose. Looking down on her head, I thought about the brain inside that was all formed, a functioning working brain. The bones surrounding which were much softer but still easily distinguished. 

Perhaps the most astounding thing though, was her mouth. She had deep colored lips, and when tilted a certain way, you could see her tongue inside, lifted up to the roof of her mouth. The tongue that was supposed to aide in feeding and nourishing her once she was outside of the womb. 

Her ears were symmetrical, and perfectly shaped, soft cartilage that was easily bendable. Her eyes were fused shut, perhaps one of the more difficult things, not ever being able to see what her eyes looked like. I touched every single part of her, and constantly brought her to to my face to feel against my cheek  just like I had snuggled with both Amara & Callen. I wanted to feel it all and ingrain it all into my memory. Her complete and perfect body. Eliza. Eliza. Eliza. I wanted to breathe it all in. 

Travis said we should call to let everybody know. So he did that. We had her 3 grandparents and Amara come to the hospital. It was late at night, nearly 10:15. Thankfully uncle Jordan was able to come stay with Callen while he slept. Close to 10:30, everyone was there and a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a non profit organization that takes professional photos for those that have lost a baby. 

I laid in the bed, still attached to tons of wires and monitors as they all came in. Amara came over right away and curiously looked at her baby sister who she had so much love for. You could tell that it was a lot, a LOT to take in. She had, and still has so many questions that I will answer to the best of my knowledge. She was trying to understand how she had a sister, that was born in the hospital, that was also in heaven, that wasn't going to come home to live with us, that everyone was sad and was crying yet she could actually see her. Her tiny 10 ounce body, that you could see. The photographer, who was amazingly sensitive and able to be in the room with us, capturing these special moments we had with her, was also wonderful with Amara making her feel comfortable and helpful in her big sister role. 

This was a lot for anyone to take in, seriously. But for only being 4 1/2, Amara was great, she took Eliza's belongings and assured her that she would take good care of them. My nurses came in and brought Amara a blanket to take home that was made for siblings who have lost their baby sister or brother. 

Amara kept looking at Eliza and saying she is so beautiful, and so tiny. She wasn't able to touch her, you could tell that she was a little scared of that, that it was just too much, but she was able to get real close and look at her and tell her that she loved her. She also mentioned something about being a fairy up in heaven with God. 

I was so proud of Amara for all that she was able to do in that room, I am really grateful that she was able to come and begin to process of trying to understand this all. She still has tons of questions, and we continue to do our best to answer them. 

I watched as Eliza was held by each of her grandparents, who have a huge amount of love for her, and I know will continue to love her just as we do. We spent an hour together, all loving Eliza before they left to go home. 

 

Then the nurse came in to take Eliza away so they could get a sample tissue, this took some time.

Before long it was 1:00 or so maybe later, Travis, myself and Eliza were in the hospital room alone. The nurse came in and we gave Eliza a bath, very gently. Right away wrapped her into a towel. 

We crawled into bed about 1:30, Travis on a cot. Myself in my hospital bed. Eliza laid with me in bed, by now her skin was ice cold. I wanted her to be warm, I had her pressed against my body hoping my body heat could warm hers up. I fell asleep feeling her tiny 10 oz as close to me as I possibly could get.

Being in the hospital, just as I had fallen asleep, it was time for the nurse to come in and take vitals. 

Soon it was 6am tuesday morning and I was wide awake. Well wide awake yet completely exhausted. I was hungry, but everything that I ate, I couldn't finish. I had no coffee. I couldn't do. anything. It all just seemed to mundane, and I couldn't get my mind focused long enough to do anything anyways. So I paced around the room. Near 8:30 the hospital chaplain came in. At about 9:00, Travis, me, her and Eliza stood in a circle and she prayed for Eliza. She had a giant sea shell and we blessed Eliza. Her words were so beautiful and meant so much to me. I wish I had a way of pausing time and remembering everything that happened in those 5 minutes. 

The nurse came in and we started the process of being discharged, waiting for lab to come take more blood from me. Final papers. Calling the funeral home to arrange for the cremation We started gathering our things and packing up. For the first time, I felt like I had something to do. I wanted everything that Eliza had touched. I packed it all up. Once we had everything done and ready to go, we just sat there. Waiting for the last step which was to be okayed to leave by a Doctor. So we sat on a bench. Travis and I with Eliza between us. She was in a wicker basket. I touched her. I hummed lullabies.  I told her I loved her more times then I can count. I held her hand in mine and wished it to be big enough and be able to walk and hold her hand like I hold her brother and sisters. I just wanted to hold her hand, I wanted to keep her safe.

The absolute last step in the discharge process came, the doctor came in, apologized to us and left. The nurse came in and said she would take Eliza into another room while we gathered our things and left the hospital. Obviously I knew she wasn't going home with us, obviously I knew it would be immensely difficult to hand her over. But this still felt like getting smacked in the face, and hard. It felt impossible. 

So we sat with her for our final moments with our sweet girl. We poured out our love to her. Literally. Our tears drenched her body. 

I don't know how we handed her over to the nurse, I really don't. I do know that once the nurse had left with her, I grabbed my things and bolted for the door to get out of there. I couldn't look at the bed where she came into the world, and the chair where we had held her and loved her. All that we did, everything that we did, was because of our great love for her. 

Our Child. Eliza. An Angel. 

Life Changer

I wrote the following Monday April 15th at about 6:30am. I saved it as a draft, meaning to come back to it following my doctor appt which was at 10am.

Travis left this morning at 6am, shortly after, Amara walked in and climbed into his spot wanting to cuddle, not with me, but with baby Eliza. 5 minutes later, like clockwork, in comes Callen, he says "Mommy, I'm awake" then drags his tractor blanky, bottle of water, and whatever toy or book he has slept with into my bed. He proceeds to put all of these things in my bed, then climbs in.

There are just some moments when I have Amara on my right and Callen on my left, and Eliza inside my belly. I think everything is going to be okay. I have my children all here with me, I can touch them, feel them. I love these fleeting moments of serenity.

Like usual, Callen gets bored within a minute or two and goes out to the living room to play with trains or books or the like. Amara and I laid for a few minutes longer. We had a conversatin that I simply want to remember.

A: Mom, in a long long time, can we put a crib in my room so I can take care of a baby
Me: Well, you know that Eliza might not live with us, she might go to heaven right away
A: I know that, Mom. Will she live with God? I know, she could help God make lots and lots of babies and then baby Eliza could play with those babies.

I never finished my post, because my plan was to to conclude the post with an update from my Doctor appt. 

For the past 6 weeks, I have listened to Eliza's heartbeat every single day. For reassurance, I would find it, and breathe a sigh of relief. I last listened to her heartbeat on Sunday the 14th after we got home from Church around 1:00pm.

Come Monday morning, I anxiously got myself ready for my appointment. I had only a cup of coffee and a biscotti early on at 7 because I just couldn't eat anything else. I was hoping for some good news. I was hoping they would say she had grown, even just a titch to have some hope. After all, her heart had just kept beating.

I busied myself with getting the kids dressed and ready, taking a shower, getting Amara packed for school. Grandma & Grandpa came over at 9 to watch Callen while I took Amara to school and went to my appt. So I dropped Amara off and got to the perinatal clinic. I was by myself because Travis was busy at work, and I had SO many appointments there was just no way for him to be able to come to every one. Being that I had heard her heartbeat the day prior at home, my biggest fear was that they were going to say that she was lagging even further behind, or hadn't grown at all.

Once I arrived, I chatted with the technician down the hall about the weather, and hopped into the chair like I have done so many times before. She poured globs of warm gel on my belly and placed the probe on. We looked at the screen, she zoomed into the heart, the 4 chambers clear as day, but it was still. There was no beat. We sat there in silence for 10 seconds before she said what I obviously already knew. "I'm not seeing any cardiac activity, I will go get the Doctor."

She left the room, and I sat alone with Eliza inside of me. Tears streamed down each side of my face onto the floor. There is really no possible way that I can even begin to describe the feeling.

Then the Doctor comes in, she says "I'm so sorry, how are you? What can I do for you?"
I don't know what I said, it started to blur. My head was jumbled.

I thought about just a few hours earlier, how I had laid in my bed with all (3) of my children, feeling serene and now here I was being told that my sweet girl's heart had stopped beating.

Gobble it up

Tonight while putting Amara to bed, we had a conversation.
A: "Mom, how does Eliza get food?"
Me: "Well, she eats whatever I eat, so tonight she ate pizza & salad."
A: WIDE eyed, "Really? Wow.... Hey, I have a GREAT idea", (she gives me her I have an epiphany look), "Next time, when we eat, you can eat tons and tons of healthy foods, and then they will be in your stomach and Eliza will gobble them up and she will grow lots until she is the size of a normal baby so she can come out and live with us. How does that sound, Mom?"
Me: "Oh hunny, I wish it was that simple."

Oh Amara, you are so smart and loving. It literally takes me aback sometimes to hear the things you say. You have the sweetest, most genuine heart of anyone I know. I just know that as you grow, you will continue to astound me with your selflessness. Callen & Eliza are so lucky to have you as their big sister who is constantly thinking about them and their needs.  You are always looking out for your brother, (even when he drives you crazy), you would do anything for him and are constantly thanking us for giving you a little brother. You are just amazing with Eliza and you talk to my belly and tell her how much you love her. You sing her lullabies. You tell her how much you want to be able to meet her. And when I gently remind you that we don't know what will happen and that Eliza might go to heaven right away and not be able come here to live with us, you just roll your eyes at me and say "I know that Mom." As is, I know, it doesn't change how I feel. The point is, your love is astounding.

I don't think I will ever be able to express how proud I am of you, for being you. And how lucky I am to call myself your momma.

25 Weeks

So we're 25 weeks 2 days along now. Lil miss is still a kickin, her heart is still beating. Had an appointment today. I wish I had something more to say. Something that would maybe make sense of all of this.
The appt started out with her measurements, her head is now measuring over 4 weeks behind. Her leg bones are measuring over 6 weeks behind. What little blood flow that is getting to her is going straight to her head. The blood flow through the umbilical cord is considered 'absent blood flow' just meaning while blood is still flowing, it kinda stops and goes and isn't a continuous fluid cycle like it should be.

There is a pic from today, Eliza was opening and shutting her mouth, making bubbles maybe. Her little tiny legs are curled up to her body. All in all, she is squished inside there, what with there still being a low level of fluid around her. But still, her heart is beating and she is still moving, she put her hand up by her head, and wiggled around, making the most of the situation I suppose. 

So after the ultrasound, I wait to get seen by the Doctor. She comes in, asks how I feel and if I have any questions that she can help with. I find myself asking the same questions over and over, maybe hoping somehow there will be an answer to all of this, which there is not. The tests that have been run haven't given us any answers. There is nothing they can do, so they say "I'm so sorry that we don't have more to tell you, she is no where near being viable due to her estimated size of a mere 8 oz, we don't know why this is happening, come back in a week." 

I'm like a celebrity there, which is NOT something you want to be. You know how when you call somewhere to make an appt, you have to spell your last name, explain what your calling for, etc. I can just call and say "I'm Kessia Dahlke, and I need to make an appt, or I need to talk to a Nurse, or I need to leave a message for the Doctor" no one has to ask how to spell my name, or what my birthdate is. They just say "ok." 

Simple solutions

Tonight as we were putting the kids to bed, I put Callen to bed and Travis tucked in Amara.
Amara told Travis that she was hungry, which isn't surprising because she didn't eat very much of her dinner. Travis told her that there were kids all over the world who are hungry and don't have food like she does.
She paused to think about it and in that sweet complete innocence of childhood said, "Daddy, will you get me a REAL magic wand for my birthday so that I can use magic to give all the hungry kids in the world some food?"
He says, "Well hunny, I really wish I could but its not that simple."
She then says, "I know, we can go to a wishing well, a real one, and throw a penny in it to make a wish so we can get a real magic wand."

Life through the eyes of a 4 year old. It is such a huge blessing to be surrounded by her everyday. Having the belief that the worlds problems could be solved with a magic wand or a wishing well. In her mind, thats how it should work, I think she is given comfort in having a solution to a problem.

I really hope and pray that as she gets older and learns about the realities of the world that she is able to turn to God as a source of comfort. Because sometimes, there isn't a simple solution. And that is the harsh reality.

I've started the very difficult conversation to have with her about the baby. I've started with telling her about when she was inside of me. I told her that she grew and grew and got so big that it was time for her to come out and live with us. Then with Callen, he grew and grew and got so big that it was time for him to come out and live with us. But the baby that is inside my belly right now is really tiny, and isn't growing and getting big like her and Callen did. I'm trying to avoid using the term "sick" because I don't want her to be confused.

She has this amazing thing she does, you'll be talking to her and she is in a serious mode thinking about everything, then all of a sudden, she has an epiphany. She just gets this HUGE smile, looks at me with her giant big brown eyes and says "I know, I have a great idea, you can swallow some medicine that will help the baby grow."

It's really hard to have to be the one to explain that the solution to a problem isn't always simple. Often its complex, and more importantly, you often have to just have faith that things happen for reasons that we don't always understand. Trust in God.

Still Here

Had a Doctor Appt yesterday to check how baby E's growth. She has gained 2 ounces in 2.5 weeks. So at 24w2d she is just 8 ounces. Still another 8 ounces to gain until she would be viable for life outside the womb. The perinatologist we saw today said she has never seen that happen with the way things are looking. Baby E is starting to get disproportioned because the very little blood flow that is going to her, is going straight to her brain, which is the most crucial. So her head is growing, while her arms and legs are starting to lag even further behind.

The Nurse that got me settled in the room took my vitals, and then sat down. She said that we need to start making some decisions about a birth plan... She didn't really have to elaborate much. I knew what she meant, but I still didn't want to hear it, because frankly, I just don't know. She said once her heart stops beating, what do we want to happen? Apparently, you CAN opt to get knocked out and have a D&E (surgically remove all contents from the uterus) or you get induced and go through labor and delivery. Then do we want pictures taken, do we want anyone else there, do we want to see her, do we want to cremate her.
She asks if I want someone to call me to talk about these things further? Not really, No, I don't want to talk about these things.

I said I will think about everything.

The 3 Perinatologists that we've seen in the last few weeks really feel like this is either a genetic disorder, which has normal chromosomes, but be impossible to diagnose in utero OR a just some terrible terrible bad luck in which the placenta just failed to properly implant. Either way, they just don't know and they don't know what to tell us anymore, other then come back in a week.

I went home and went through the afternoon and evening. Just like everyday these days, the hours drag on. We get through it and go to bed.

So I wake up frequently, switching between laying on my left and right sides. Somewhere around 3:00, I couldn't get comfortable, I was just too hot and felt achy. I laid there anyway, watching the clock turn minutes. I started thinking about what the nurse had said earlier. We need to make some decisions. What do we want to happen? Do I want pictures of her not alive? What will we do with her ashes? Where will we send to get her cremated?

As I'm pondering all of this, she kicks. Not just once, but several times in a row, which in a normal pregnancy maybe wouldn't mean much to feel lots of movements within a minute, but for this one I have barely felt any movements because of her tiny size and the position of the placenta.

"Hey Mom, I'm still here, my heart is still beating."